Friday, April 29, 2005

"i am a blankness, the contained center of an O"

inner breathlessness, outer restlessness
by the time i caught up to freedom i was out of breath
grandma asked me what i'm running for
i guess i'm out for the same thing the sun is sunning for
what mothers birth their youngens for
and some say jesus coming for
for all i know the earth is spinning slow
suns at half mast 'cause masses ain't aglow
on bended knee, prostrate before an altered tree
i've made the forest suit me
tables and chairs
papers and prayers
matter versus spirit
a metal ladder
a wooden cross
a plastic bottle of water
a mandala encased in glass
a spirit encased in flesh
sound from shaped hollows
the thickest of mucus released from heightened passion
a man that cries in his sleep
a truth that has gone out of fashion
a mode of expression
a paint splattered wall
a carton of cigarettes
a bouquet of corpses
a dying forest
a nurtured garden
a privatized prison
a candle with a broken wick
a puddle that reflects the sun
a piece of paper with my name on it
i'm surrounded
i surrender
all that i am i have been
all i have been has been a long time coming
i am becoming all that i am
the spittle that surrounds the mouth-piece of the flute
unheard, yet felt
a gathered wetness
a quiet moisture
sound trapped in a bubble
released into wind
wind fellows and land merchants
we are history's detergent
water soluble, light particles, articles of cleansing breath
articles amending death
these words are not tools of communication
they are shards of metal
dropped from eight story windows
they are waterfalls and gas leaks
aged thoughts rolled in tobacco leaf
the tools of a trade
barbers barred, barred of barters
catch phrases and misunderstandings
but they are not what i feel when i am alone
surrounded by everything and nothing
and there isn't a word or phrase to be caught
a verse to be recited
a man to de-fill my being in those moments
i am blankness, the contained center of an "o"
the pyramidic containment of an "a"
i stand in the middle of all that i have learned
all that i have memorized
all that i've known by heart
unable to reach any of it
there is no sadness
there is no bliss
it is a forgotten memory
a memorable escape route that only is found by not looking
there, in the spine of the dictionary the words are worthless
they are a mere weight pressing against my thoughtlessness
but then, who else can speak of thoughtlessness with such confidence
who else has learned to sling these ancient ideas
like dead rats held by their tails
so as not to infect this newly oiled skin
i can think of nothing heavier than an airplane
i can think of no greater conglomerate of steel and metal
i can think of nothing less likely to fly
there are no wings more weighted
i too have felt a heaviness
the stare of man guessing at my being
yes i am homeless
a homeless man making offerings to the after-future
sculpting rubber tree forests out of worn tires and shoe soles
a nation unified in exhale
a cloud of smoke
a native pipe ceremony
all the gathered cigarette butts piled in heaps
snow covered mountains
lipsticks smeared and shriveled
offerings to an afterworld
tattoo guns and plastic wrappers
broken zippers and dead eyed dolls
it's all overwhelming me, oak and elming me
i have seeded a forest of myself
little books from tall trees
it matters not what this paper be made of
give me notebooks made of human flesh
dried on steel hooks and nooses
make uses of use, uses of us
it's all overwhelming me, oak and elming me
i have seeded a forest of myself
little books from tall trees
on bended knee
prostrate before an altered tree
i've made the forest suit me
tables and chairs
papers and prayers
matter vs. spirit, through meditation
i program my heart to beat breakbeats and hum basslines on exhalation

- saul williams

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

*applying warpaint*

still on the warpath but feel more like myself today because of the noxzema and suave deoderant i got yesterday by one of the few 'my fellow americans' here. on the pro-black scale i'm three-fifths toward malcolm right now and steadily rising.

my project is looking like it's almost finished *crossing fingers* and hopefully we'll have a red carpet premier in the near, near future. after a "tense" weekend i'm getting used to going to work and the great feeling of coming home to quiet and relaxation.

i'm rocking this esthero and mop's 9th wonder produced instigator at the moment.

Saturday, April 23, 2005

There's a Riot Going On

or about to. a swedish ice cream company called Nogger decided to come out with a new ice cream called Nogger Black. the thing is that the swedish word for black is 'svart' and the ads are writing in a graffiti-ish logo.

the problem is that swedes, known for their tennis elbow induced from constant back patting, refuse to think of themselves as racist and thus not offended by the ad in general. in fact they say that race is an amerikkkan problem so they don't see the big deal. See the big deal? it's not your issue to be offended so why should i have to explain why i'm offended? people have actually tried to argue that racism isn't a problem here, which of course a white swede would know all to well.

The fact that they separate themselves from "american" racism is simply laughable. sweden was the first country to recognize the states as a separate entity from Britain, thus getting cut rate cotton prices which of course made the slave masters add benefits (spa treatments and such) and raises to the slaves to make sure they could meet this extra demand with a smile on their beautiful black faces. let's not get into the swedish built slave ships and various swedish slave ports during the slave trade.

Last night wifey was watching a swedish comedy show called Hey Baberiba where they did bit where a 'host' asked a 'guest' questions and they answered it wrong. they asked what the name of the ice cream was that everyone is talking about and the 'guest' responded "Nigger."

i've already called the tv station and asked for an apology, i'm sick of this shit and the polar opp of an arm chair revolutionary. if you have any ideas as to how to bring light to this shit hit me.

nat turner

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Monday, April 18, 2005


lately when i've been eating food seems to go down the wrong pipe, almost but not really. maybe this is part of being old. today i took the time to look at my 29 year old self and i would say that though i treated my body like a redheaded stepchild with buck teeth i'm pretty happy with the fact that i don't actually look old. no crinkly things around my eyes or lines in my enormous forehead (shout out to Sade *special forehead nod*). speaking of heads i swear i've had the same size head my whole life, which was uncomfortable as a child 'specially with shoe sizes that stayed ahead of my age. thank god i grew because it would suck to be walking around with enormous hands, head and feet. i would have looked like a video game character. well, there is something that i'm happy about and appreciate god for answering my multi-day prayers. also i'm sure that since i started smoking at 17 that it stunted my growth probably a little, for which i'm happy about because 6'4 is the best height possible and since I'm evenly proportioned a lot of people never realize it until i stand up next to them and show them that i breathe cleaner fresher air though i do stop a lot of the harmful UV rays but that's what melanin is for :-) of course you'd need to wonder about people that assume i'm shorter when they're sitting there looking across at my hands and head. i've actually had people argue with me about my height like they no better than i. k, sorry, it's just that it's less than 24 hours left in my 20's and i'm a little nervous for various reasons.

yesterday evening i went to Timbuktu's all ages concert (he's big, really big here) and during his current hit he shouts me out so i had all these little kids who stared intently at the stage now staring at me wondering what it must be like to be his friend and what we must talk about. one little boy stared for a whole minute after that then resumed his open mouth staring at the stage. now i might be wrong because timbuk's like wu and loves the kids and maybe dude was 'special' for which i'll go to hell for, but dude stared with his mouth open the whole time and even took pictures with his phone without stopping staring. regardless to the fact that i knew 1 out of 5 words he said because his southern swedish is hard to translate and by the end of the concert i had a splitting headache he ripped it and and ras and i got some work done. if your one of the 23408502345899435 people that read this blog you should buy timbuktu's album, it's very enjoyable, not to mention when your bumping it in your hybrid suv you can act like you understand what he's saying and your friends will sweat you.

i will probably write more today if I get a chance but back to work now.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

my hands hurt

my saturday of 'writing' has been the following:

put hands on computer then check a blog, smoke cigerrette, check google news, stare at wall, replace hands then repeat in any order.

i rarely get overwhelmed to a point where i'm unable to accomplish things but i am man enough to admit that right about...

Friday, April 15, 2005


yesterday i went on my first swedish business trip. i went to gothenburg for the first time for what turned into an ill meeting. there's something grown about finally going on my first swedish business trip and befitting for the last week of my twenties. i try to stop and appreciate little things and judging from where i was 8 months ago this was more than a little thing. i woke up this morning with the feeling swinging back on a system that is made for breaking non-swedes and seeing it flinch or something. enough of the reflective ish i have more than enough marathoning through my mind at the i needed that break from the norm because work is suffocating me as of late with a workload that doesn't make any type of sense.

met my coworker's 2 year old daughter yesterday who speaks swedish and english and she was cool :-) she has 4 of the same teddy bears because they were going to get discontinued and her mom and grandmother bought 2 at the same time without knowing. anyway she aptly named them: teddy one, teddy 2, teddy dagis(nursery school) and teddy holiday. she has specific uses for each teddy with teddy one obviously rocking the top spot. hilarious

my great aunt turned 90 the other day and she was on her way out when i called her to wish her a happy bday. if 90 looks for me like it does for everyone in my family then i'm not too worried about getting old. her nephew, my cousin turned 60 two days before that and my nephew hit 11 on sunday. my fellow aries :-)

welp back to the grind.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

happy belated bday Billie

such a haunted spirit who's win/lose battles with her demons allowed a truthfulness you could hear all through her voice. happy birthday goes out to you and i hope peace was reached.

columbia university is playing nathan but billie 24/7 since April first until next friday check 'em out.

Friday, April 08, 2005

the good ole days

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Wednesday, April 06, 2005

no nyc for my bday :-(

that's right folks it has a been decided but i can honestly say that i feel good knowing that i did every semilegal thing possible to pull this off and nadda damn thing happened. so i called up my friends over at google and told them to give me a consolation prize and they did! so now i can look at semi-creepy satellite photos that are only about a year old of nyc! sure it's not like being there but it does give you a cia-ish type of stalker vibe but hey it is fun.

in other news my ish that was supposed to be done by friday is now postponed until next friday due to technical issue, really. sure you haven't a clue what i'm talking about but hey.

a special shout out goes to the shitload of people that google is sending through Ldef's direction as of the last week or so. hi! enjoy and if you want to read some real writing feel free to click on the people linked on the side of my blog their the ishness personified. welp back to working on my list of people I don't like.

Monday, April 04, 2005

i am not a happy camper (wifey's bday post)

happy bday to wifey :-) she is "not worried about thirty" because today's her 27th. unfortunately it's also the day that makes or breaks the nyc trip which is grading on our nerves. i want need nothing more than to get out of this country before i'm at ikea with a sawed-off blaming my insanity on god, who speaks to me through my cell phone, video games and "rap music." let's not even get into the amount of work i have this week and my friday deadline for my blood, sweat and tears project -- those involved PLEASE..-- ish is hectic. so i'm sitting here with an ice grill/screw face and coffee mad at any and everything in my general vicinity.

today is also my best friend's 3-0 so happy bday to him. the problem with their bday is that it's been a happy reminder my whole life that mine is only 15 days away but this year it turned into a chinese-water-torture-with-a-guillotine-blade-above nightmare. judging by the slew of emails that i've received from various '75'ers since jan. 1st i'm not the only person going through this hellishness. *sigh*

but, it's wifey and patrick's bday today and i send out a happy bday on your personal holiday :-)

now back to sulking.

Sunday, April 03, 2005


the popes dead and that's one compared to the 300,000 dead in Dafur, mathmatics.

if it's all mathmatics it doesn't add up somehow - Mos Def