Wednesday, September 14, 2005

I Got Beef With Radio If I Don't Play Their Show

Soundwave: Strictly Laserbeak Status.

I don't like listening to the radio. I mean, if I wanted to hear the same eight songs over and over, I'd install ringtones on my phone. I usually wind up listening to the radio under two circumstances. The first is in a cab, which in New York City means that I can be listening to anything from country to talk radio to African chants, which is fine, as this is the type of shit I listen to all day anyway. The other way I get stuck listening to the radio is when I'm riding with one of my peeps and they misplaced, broke or sold the iPod cassette adapter for crack or something like that ("Nah, sun, what had happened was . . ."). This is not good as their CD collections routinely consist of nothing but mixtapes.

Sun, I can't listen to this shit.

Nah, we good. I got both kinds: talking and no talking.

So what is really being said is that we have a choice bewteen DJ's talking over random smatterings of songs that record labels apparently thought weren't good enough to put on an album (which is saying a lot these days), JR Writer vs. Papoose vs. Grafh: Who Got Next? hosted by The Mixtape Prince or the Hot 97 playlist on CD (with Reggaeton bonus tracks!).

At this point, I opt for the radio, which means that as we violate a few state laws (riding dirty, pastic cups, choking leaves--but, please, put on your seatbealt), we get to listen to the local Loudmouth Insecure Cockriding DJ (LICDJ) refer to himself in the third person, talk over songs and plug where he's playing that night: "We gonna do it real big at Club Ass Smackers. LICDJ on the ones and two. First 50 bitches to get they assess smacked get a free bottle of champagne. So get there early and wear yo' tightest ish!"

Best part is when the Hometown Famous Rapper (HFR) shows up and the cockriding begins in earnest:

LICDJ: I see you got the 2008 Monthy Python XL78 on 35's! You killin' them!

HFR: Yeah. You know how we do. Dalai Lama status.

LICDJ: Release! [Lets off space shuttle sound effect]

HFR: No more 34's.

LICDJ: You hear that Hometown? 34's are finished! 35's and up! Step your game up or get off the road!

HFR: Spend that cheese, spend that cheese. You gotta spend that cheese.

LICDJ: Release! [Lets off space shuttle sound effect]

HFR: I'ma be real with you, LICDJ. I'ma be real. I'm home, I'm in Hometown, my hometown, I can't lie. Last year, before I signed my deal and got the promise of getting 70 trillion dollars--because you know they don't give it to you all at once; they just promise to give it you you, and shit--can I say "shit" on the radio?

LICDJ: Oh no! You're causing problems. Sexy Jewish Lady Who Runs the Station is gonna call now! The red phone is gonna be ringing!

HFR: Sorry, SJLWRS. I ain't know I can't say "shit."

LICDJ: Oh no!

HFR: Shit.

LICDJ: Release! [Lets off space shuttle sound effect]

HFR: Oh fuck. Anyway . . .

LICDJ: Release! [Lets off space shuttle sound effect]

HFR: . . . I'ma keep it real with Hometown!

LICDJ: He's about to release y'all! [Lets off space shuttle sound effect]

HFR: Laserbeak status.

LICDJ: Hoo-hoo-hoo!! He said "Laserbeak status!" You heard that Hometown? No more Starscream. Strictly Leserbeak! [Lets off space shuttle sound effect]

HFR: Yeah. Dalai Lama status. I'ma keep it Laserbeak.

LICDJ: Speak on it. I'm just here to suck your dick.

[red phone rings]

BOTH: Oh shit.


HFR: It's my fault, SJLWRS.

LICDJ: Release.

HFR: I'ma speak on it. I used to have the XL77. This was before I got that promise of 70 trillion. When I got that promise, because I have no concept of financial planning, I went right to the dealer and got a $600,000 car.

LICDJ: Whoo-hoo-hoo! $600,000! You hear that Hometown?! If you pushing anything less than half-a-mil, pull over when you see him. Tithe!

HFR: Yeah, man. I ain't even deal with the 77 no more--that's only $450,000. I'm a baller now. I gave it to my babymama. You know, donate that bit of change to Katrina victims or something.

LICDJ: Speaking of which . . .

HFR: Uh-huh.

LICDJ: . . . Hurricane Katrina . . .

HFR: Uh-huh.

LICDJ: . . devastated a lot of people . . .

HFR: Uh-huh.

LICDJ: . . .you're not part of the benefit concert.

HFR: Uh-huh.

LICDJ: Why is that?

HFR: Ummm, well, you know it's like this: I'm no hypocrite. You hear my album, it's all bitches and guns and money, yunnowhutI'msayn? Yeah, I threw on the one song about my moms and the other about my dead homies, but seriously, no one wants to listen to that. They just forward over that on the CD. The label made me put those songs on there.

LICDJ: This is real talk, Hometown.

HFR: I ain't gon' do no show where I'm performing no songs that no one want to hear. And I ain't gonna feel right doing songs like "More Ice Than You," "Shorty Wanna Pop" or "Kill You Twice" at no benefit concert, man. I can't be no hypocrite. I keep it Laserbeak.

LICDJ: Laserbeak status! He's releasing! [Lets off space shuttle sound effect]

HFR: Transform and roll out.

LICDJ: So, how does it feel when you rolling, you got no money in your pocket, but you get drinks free at the bar 'cause you a rapper--

FR: Don't forget the credit card.

LICDJ: The credit card?

HFR: Yeah. It goes against my budget. I gotta pay it back if my record doesn't do well.

LICDJ: Yes! They always get you with that! But we won't talk about that. Talk more about the car!

HFR: Well, it's the 2008. They ain't even mass produce them yet. Me, Robert Dinero and Bill Gates the only ones that got one.

LICDJ: That is so Laserbeak.

HFR: Baby African ostrich seats.

LICDJ: [Lets off space shuttle sound effect]

HFR: Genetically modified virgin muskrat fur on the floor.

LICDJ: [Lets off space shuttle sound effect]

HFR: Nuclear bomb-proof stained-glass crystal windows.

LICDJ: [Lets off space shuttle sound effect]

HFR: 48 karat gold steering wheel.

LICDJ: I'm not even talking. I'm just gonna say: [Lets off space shuttle sound effect] Release! [Lets off space shuttle sound effect]

HFR: The dash is pure Sycamore. Only cut from trees over 40,000 years old.

LICDJ: Whoo-hoo! Now let's talk about the album.

HFR: Oh man, it's heat. I got like 14,000 songs done, but I'm trying to pick the best 900. It's gonna be a quadruple BD. Strictly Blu-ray.

LICDJ: 14,000 songs. He's released, y'all!

HFR: Yeah. Cause, you know, I'm not a rapper. I'm a talker. I just talk to people. Any thing that rhymes, I say it. If I can spit it, you can get wit it.

LICDJ: Release! [Lets off space shuttle sound effect]

HFR: Laserbeak.

LICDJ: Whoo-hoo! We gotta pay some bills right now, but we'll be back with Hometown Famous Rapper after this commercial for our upcoming Party at Club Rape. Hometown Famous Rapper will be there. LICDJ on the wheels. It's gonna be so Dalai Lama.

HFR: Truly.

LICDJ: When we come back, I wanna talk to you about all the overused producers and features you have on your album, 'cause you know, no one makes an album by themselves anymore.

HFR: Laserbeak.

LICDJ: Pull over when you see him. Homage due.

HFR: Stay off the road.

True this: The streets schooled us to spend our money foolish.

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