Tuesday, November 14, 2006

refusing to forget

my parents died on the 15th of November 1981 as a result of a car accident in which my brother and I were in. I wasn't hurt bad but my little brother, David, died from his injuries on the 25th of November. I was six. Instead of tell the whole drawn out story about how I never cried (because there was no one to cry to, at least that's the way I saw it at the time). I simply want to remember them... it gets harder and harder all the time. I remember when I felt this cold feeling when I realized that I couldn't remember my mom's voice anymore or my brother's. Contrary to popular belief I'm actually not as depressed as one would think about it, it's something that I've existed with all of my life so it's really not that strange but there are backlashes to it that pop up from time to time. I won't have them there for anything in my life from marriage to having a child. My future children won't have grandparents. I don't really have anyone to call and release to, in a real sense of the word, I kinda never let down my guard because of that. On the other hand I'll never have to worry about my parents growing old, having medical problems and eventually dying. The 15th of November is also the birthday of my 'little sister' Carla who was killed along with my best friend in 1999. I used to always tell her how much I hated her birthday... now I really do. I can remember her well though and it's easier to place pieces of her in my memory banks to save because I know what you forget. Anyway, I'm sitting here at work remembering them... like i said, i'm not depressed simply refusing to forget...

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